Unfinished Business
Posted by emily martin*
They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. My name is emily*, and I am a procrastinator. It's the opposite of what some might expect (especially if they've ever seen my anally color-coordinated day planner) but others may find no surprise in my struggle with deadlines. There's been more than one instance where I've asked for a paper extension or crossed my fingers in hope the government will accept my FASFA application a month late. I take a strange sense of pride in knowing what I can accomplish when it's down to the wire. The crowning achievement of my adjournments was the seventeen-page paper connecting the works of Edward Hopper to the imagery of F. Scott Fitzgerald's novels that I wrote in nine hours on a pot of hazelnut coffee. I might have fared better had I done it in installments, planned it out better. God knows I could have done without the incessant hand shaking and palm sweat, probably would have finished faster if I didn't have to concentrate on controlling my hands to type. But what would I have if I'd been responsible? A tale of how I wrote my paper over the course three days? Not as cool as the war story of my Art History 495B final paper, and definitely not as satisfying knowing I can pull through when it's necessary.
Now that I'm a "young professional", deadlines aren't really a factor in my life, save those set by Visa and Direct Loans. Well, that's not entirely true. There's a deadline that has come and gone that weighs heavily on me, even though it has no pertinence to my daily life. It is the deadline of the senior summary for my Bachelor's Degree in an Individual Concentration (BDIC).
(For those who aren't familiar with the ways of UMass Amherst, they devised a program that allows students to create their own major, under fairly flexible guidelines, because no other existing major fulfills what they feel they need in order to be prepared for their chosen career path. For example, I felt Biology wasn't suiting my needs so I created Holistic Health and Pre-Chiropractic Studies for myself.)
The senior summary consists of at least six double-spaced pages recounting the description and development of the concentration, course listing and any high or low points of the experience. If you can imagine all I went through to design and execute my own major (including the 10+ page proposal I had to write just to gain entry into the program), this assignment is cake. If I can write a thesis connecting themes of loneliness and disillusionment to the Great Depression then a summary of my classes should have taken just under two hours to finish. Especially since it's not graded on quality, just on completion.
I recently met up with my friend Liz whom I hadn't seen since she left Amherst. We caught each other up on our lives, and as she awed over my accomplishments, I felt the need to confess. See, I didn't just blow off a dinky paper that doesn't matter. I blew off a dinky paper that determines the conclusion of my college career. That's right, after five years and $30+k I now owe the government, I have nothing to show for it. I completed one full degree and am six pages short of another, but UMass is withholding that precious piece of paper until they get the go-ahead from BDIC.
During our talk Liz asked why I hadn't done it. Why indeed? I gave her some bullshit about working fifty hour weeks on top of going to school full time, having an internship, working in a massage clinic and being involved on campus. Oh, and the fifty page Honor's Project Journal I wrote didn't leave me too motivated to write anything else. I know these may seem like valid excuses, but as I said them I knew it was hollow. I'm the girl who thrives under pressure, who needs to be busy to get anything done. This paper should be my true crowning achievement that I slapped together at work in the Meal Plan Office and handed in a minute before the deadline, not something I'm still worrying about almost a year later.
But yet here I am, sitting at work, blogging about my problem instead of actively trying to resolve it. So why am I doing this, why can't I focus and finally get my shit together? After some thought, I've discovered that I'm simply afraid. I've already said that this paper symbolizes the end of my life as a college student, so by finishing it I'm admitting that my life is entirely changed. By completing my education I officially become an adult, thus ending my nineteen-year stint as a student. For the majority of my life I've lived on a nine-month schedule, working towards the reward of three months summer vacation. For the past five years I've been in control of what I take and when, guaranteeing I never had to be on campus before 9AM. Nowadays I'm in work at 7AM, thus necessitating a daily trip to Dunkin Donuts if I want to function, and forget about shirking my responsibilities if I want to indulge in some mid-week drinking. If I could have my way I'd be a professional student and spend the rest of my life learning about everything, leaving only my degrees to loved ones when I pass on. But this is real life, and I'm not the dad on College Dropout. It's time to get serious and get it done. I'm setting a deadline. In nine days I drive out west to visit friends, and with me I'll have my summary, ready to hand in and end this debacle…well, I might not have the paper, but I'll be full of ideas to slap together at the MPO before heading across campus and making my case to graduate.
They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. My name is emily*, and I am a procrastinator. It's the opposite of what some might expect (especially if they've ever seen my anally color-coordinated day planner) but others may find no surprise in my struggle with deadlines. There's been more than one instance where I've asked for a paper extension or crossed my fingers in hope the government will accept my FASFA application a month late. I take a strange sense of pride in knowing what I can accomplish when it's down to the wire. The crowning achievement of my adjournments was the seventeen-page paper connecting the works of Edward Hopper to the imagery of F. Scott Fitzgerald's novels that I wrote in nine hours on a pot of hazelnut coffee. I might have fared better had I done it in installments, planned it out better. God knows I could have done without the incessant hand shaking and palm sweat, probably would have finished faster if I didn't have to concentrate on controlling my hands to type. But what would I have if I'd been responsible? A tale of how I wrote my paper over the course three days? Not as cool as the war story of my Art History 495B final paper, and definitely not as satisfying knowing I can pull through when it's necessary.
Now that I'm a "young professional", deadlines aren't really a factor in my life, save those set by Visa and Direct Loans. Well, that's not entirely true. There's a deadline that has come and gone that weighs heavily on me, even though it has no pertinence to my daily life. It is the deadline of the senior summary for my Bachelor's Degree in an Individual Concentration (BDIC).
(For those who aren't familiar with the ways of UMass Amherst, they devised a program that allows students to create their own major, under fairly flexible guidelines, because no other existing major fulfills what they feel they need in order to be prepared for their chosen career path. For example, I felt Biology wasn't suiting my needs so I created Holistic Health and Pre-Chiropractic Studies for myself.)
The senior summary consists of at least six double-spaced pages recounting the description and development of the concentration, course listing and any high or low points of the experience. If you can imagine all I went through to design and execute my own major (including the 10+ page proposal I had to write just to gain entry into the program), this assignment is cake. If I can write a thesis connecting themes of loneliness and disillusionment to the Great Depression then a summary of my classes should have taken just under two hours to finish. Especially since it's not graded on quality, just on completion.
I recently met up with my friend Liz whom I hadn't seen since she left Amherst. We caught each other up on our lives, and as she awed over my accomplishments, I felt the need to confess. See, I didn't just blow off a dinky paper that doesn't matter. I blew off a dinky paper that determines the conclusion of my college career. That's right, after five years and $30+k I now owe the government, I have nothing to show for it. I completed one full degree and am six pages short of another, but UMass is withholding that precious piece of paper until they get the go-ahead from BDIC.
During our talk Liz asked why I hadn't done it. Why indeed? I gave her some bullshit about working fifty hour weeks on top of going to school full time, having an internship, working in a massage clinic and being involved on campus. Oh, and the fifty page Honor's Project Journal I wrote didn't leave me too motivated to write anything else. I know these may seem like valid excuses, but as I said them I knew it was hollow. I'm the girl who thrives under pressure, who needs to be busy to get anything done. This paper should be my true crowning achievement that I slapped together at work in the Meal Plan Office and handed in a minute before the deadline, not something I'm still worrying about almost a year later.
But yet here I am, sitting at work, blogging about my problem instead of actively trying to resolve it. So why am I doing this, why can't I focus and finally get my shit together? After some thought, I've discovered that I'm simply afraid. I've already said that this paper symbolizes the end of my life as a college student, so by finishing it I'm admitting that my life is entirely changed. By completing my education I officially become an adult, thus ending my nineteen-year stint as a student. For the majority of my life I've lived on a nine-month schedule, working towards the reward of three months summer vacation. For the past five years I've been in control of what I take and when, guaranteeing I never had to be on campus before 9AM. Nowadays I'm in work at 7AM, thus necessitating a daily trip to Dunkin Donuts if I want to function, and forget about shirking my responsibilities if I want to indulge in some mid-week drinking. If I could have my way I'd be a professional student and spend the rest of my life learning about everything, leaving only my degrees to loved ones when I pass on. But this is real life, and I'm not the dad on College Dropout. It's time to get serious and get it done. I'm setting a deadline. In nine days I drive out west to visit friends, and with me I'll have my summary, ready to hand in and end this debacle…well, I might not have the paper, but I'll be full of ideas to slap together at the MPO before heading across campus and making my case to graduate.
This entry was posted by Ben Myers, on
Tuesday, April 11, 2006.
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11:14 AM
Here's to the Turbo Hot Coffee at Dunkee's ... helping just graduated college students function, sweaty pits and all