Making Ammends for Otherwise Unacceptable Behavior
Dear Mr. Michael Hershey,
We are in agreement; I’m entirely culpable of the careless vandalism of your bedroom wall. Repair the damage and I'm under obligation to reimburse all security withheld due to this infraction. I was reckless, and I apologize.
In my defense, had that intoxicated subhuman refrained from provoking me in my drunken state and adequately prepared himself for my assault, he would not have generated this senseless destruction. Furthermore, had he assumed an athletic position of moderate stability, he may have sustained my lunge and not have collapsed like a soft clown into the sheetrock partition.
We are also in agreement on the second count; I take full responsibility for peppering your living room blinds with the pellet gun. I was wrong. For initially taking aim at your window, I’m ashamed; and the 200 plus round assault which followed is inexplicable. At the time, I claimed that I was trying to let in a little more sunlight. I’m still trying to live with these regrets, one day at a time.
However, it would be ruthless for the apartment managerial staff to charge you for this minor remodeling given the extent of physical harm caused to your apartment during our senior year. You must not let these barbarous a-holes record these petty offenses. I trust you will stand up in defiance of their tyrannical oppression!
On the third count, for which I stand accused, I must plead guilty. During the fall of 2005, I did indeed manufacture a potato gun in your living room. Upon completion of the weapon, a test fire was conducted in that same living room, under the close supervision of several peers; namely, one Johnny Football and one Steven Bagley. This test fire projected a potato bullet towards the south-east wall of the property. The extreme velocity and steady aim of this vegetarian missile produced a gaping hole in that same wall. I beg your forgiveness for both the manufacture of the Potato Gun (also known as “Jihad 1” ) and the resultant breech of your living room wall. To this day, I’m astounded by my immaturity. I was a sleazy fool with suffering conscience during these formative days, and I’m sorry.
Rest assured, there was not a single witness of the test fire that expected complete penetration of the wall. Many doubted our ability to procure a successful test fire, but we did. We, but mostly I, cannot be held entirely responsible for this episode of delinquency. We were temporarily excited, near frenzy, with the prospect of launching produce up to 300 yards! Having known you for quite some time, I believe you would have shared in our jubilation. The hole caused when the potato collided with your living room wall is worth every penny that will be deducted from your security deposit, trust me. It was awesome.
If you wish to alert me of any other costs for which you believe I’m responsible, do not hesitate. Perhaps we can negotiate a resolution. I’m not proud of my actions, I’m amazed.
Yours Truly,
Benjamin T. Myers
P.S. If the young lady who received those awful burns on her feet when Jihad 1 backfired is looking to press charges, let me know. Thanks.
Jihad 1: Before "I hate my Dad" was written on the barrel
This entry was posted by Ben Myers, on
Wednesday, August 09, 2006.
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