SPUMANTE!
Posted by Ben MyersRETURNING TO HIS HUMBLE HOME, SEA WHISKERED AND SWAGGER, DENNIS ARRIVES CHEZ-QUINCY WITH THREE GEMS OF THE LOCAL TALENT. The boy genius of street-fights and guitar-work, turned cocksman; and post-transformation has altered crafted words of violence to clever words of love. As confident he appears in his ability to slay one of these gems, he knows he needs beverage for his entourage. Young women they were, habitual drinkers, and had tendencies of gripping apple-tini glasses at over-priced watering holes. There could be no success without proper sustenance.
A survey of the beverage available at home yielded negative results. Dennis was left beerless, wineless, and even his best friend at clutch-time, Tanqueray, was absent. What was this demonic nocternite, vaginal termite, to do up against such odds? Taken by this triple-team, he had no chance at scoring without ample aid from the offense of alcohol consumption.
As if Archimedes himself declared, "Eureka!" Dennis discovered a bottle of "SPUMANTE!" standing deep within the recesses of his roommate's cabinet. Game time! Or so he thought.
To better understand where this is headed, one must understand the boy genius of street-fights and guitar-work's stubborn allegiance to the, "Hearts and Minds Campaign: 2006." Cocksman he may have been in his heyday, but lately his motives for late-night decadence had matured. Initially, success had been measured in "notches added to the bedpost;" lately, he had raised the bar to greater altitutde, and currently had half the female population of that same bar in-tow!
What had fundamentally changed? It was not cowardice that had him shy away from these delights without further intoxication -- it was fear. Fear that he could not handle the task of not only conquering one mind, as he had set out to, but to handle the conquest of three minds, to earn the heart. Like Scarface, Dennis believed that first you get the mind, then you get the heart, then you get the body. So many of us confuse this order indeed!
In his heart of hearts, he was determined to impress his female company beyond any of their expectations. Too often lately he had watched his lonely days turn to lonely nights.
Back to the present predicament... where we find Dennis stuck in this mess not alone, but with a bottle of "SPUMANTE!" to help break the social ice of sobriety.
He dances a jig while ejaculating the cork across the room, dancing two-and-fro in the primitive spotlight of sexual encounter. Confronted by the three Sirens, Greek mythological quasi-birds with beautiful female heads. (Coincidentally, Homer speaks of three seductive Sirens by name and personality. He claims Odysseus had himself bound to a mast to prevent the singing temptresses to lure him onto their island. To the Greeks, these three were: Thelchtereia ("enchantress"), Aglaope ("glorious face"), and Peisinoe ("seductress"); and in Italy, they were Parthenope ('virgin"), Leucosia ("white goddess"), and Ligeia ("bright-voiced"). ) These sirens are most certainly not the three standing toasting "SPUMANTE!" in his vinyl-tiled kitchen, but he's a visionary.
With cheezy-smile to boot, the graceful tomb-raider of his roommate's booze stash, hands each of the three Sirens a sip NOT of Bud Light, or even Amstel Light; this was beverage of a finer variety, wrapped in a shiny gold label with embossed title dead center: "SPUMANTE!" He offered them the drinks as if they were engagement rings, and they accepted. The bottle looked as if it had matured to a fine vintage. The label had been worn as if it had seen many days, and the obnoxiously capitalized, "SPUMANTE!" logo had faded from its glory and grown grey-ish-black. This aged appearance was absolute proof that what they were drinking was truly legit.
He excuses himself briefly to the bathroom and spends a moment lost in the mirror. He realizes how far his mind has wandered from life in his cubicled office, where four walls only required a roof and it could be called a coffin; where he lay buried with his prized possession, a computer older than "SPUMANTE!" When seated for 8 hours a day in the $35 standard office cubicle chair, he was in communist China. Now, he was free as a flying phoenix in the desert.The first swallow of "SPUMANTE!" sends chills up his spine and causes the expressions of the Sirens to steadily transition from delight to disgust. What was this horrid beverage? The early-morning revilers choke down every sip of the pungent liquid from the priceless bottle of putrid scent.
A short moments time later, after each consuming the enormous plastic cups of "SPUMANTE!," they part ways, sick to their stomachs. All four members gripped by the twang of poisoning, the obvious source being the cursed "SPUMANTE!" What devil had he unleashed upon the pleasantries of the evening that had bound him to the mast?
He awakes to the afternoon, thrown from swarming dreams into an evil world of pain. Beverage of the early morning had crawled into his gastrointestinals and corroded their enamel, burning straight through to the bellybutton.
Mark, the roommate, awakes to the afternoon, thrown from evil dreams into his swarming world, with his regular expletives, followed by the even more common exclamation, "Misery!" Kitchen-bound for breakfast he notices a collection of empty bottles on the counter. One of these bottles casts a shadow over its companions, as if to say, "Who's your daddy?" Who had consumed his "SPUMANTE!"? Who had pillaged his coffers? Most importantly: Where was he/she/it now?; and was he/she/it okay?
Enter Dennis - Bickfords-bound and delirious.
Without providing a chance for explanation, Mark begins to explain the unique origin of "SPUMANTE!"
Dennis, oh ye poor soul. Thou hast not consumed the "SPUMANTE!"? Pray thee listen to the tale of its acquisition, for nay was it the divine fermented beverage though hast believed. A fortnight hath past ere I first encountered "SPUMANTE!" Commisioned, as I were, to equipped with an excavator to demolish a cemeterial tomb in West Roxbury . Upon the debris, that once housed rotten corpses of my Italian ancestry, was uncovered relics of expired love and loved ones. Regrettably so, my fellow laborers and I collected what we could of the plunder and escaped without the slightest notion of moral wrongdoing. Among the precious booty collected under arm was a decorative bottle that had kept company with the deceased for many years. This bottle is what lies before thee now depleted! As rotten as skeletal remains beside it, the alcoholic elixure had matured to poison. Goblin's Blood ye layeth unto your soul, and the souls of whomever joined ye in occupation. Ye whom consumes the "SPUMANTE" remains forever in misery, with thine company; whom loveth each other.
Dennis had played, and won.
This entry was posted by Ben Myers, on
Saturday, May 06, 2006.
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